367 days……how’s that Martini treating you?

Okay, so in the Google ranking of “drunk Ricks”, the Governor comes in behind Sanchez, Sutcliffe, and Fox. Then again, speculation abounds that other chemical substances might have been at play in New Hampshire, the man did recently have back surgery after all. Or could it be a resurgence of the dreaded “Ibogaine effect” that sunk Ed Muskie’s presidential bid in 1972; Hunter, where are you when we truly need you?

Given his precipitous fall from being the non-Mitt darling of August down to today’s single digit companion of Ron, Michelle, Jon, Gary, Newt, and the other Rick; the Governor should be allowed an indulgence or two. I’m quite sure Black Godfather will rejoin the club any day now; Michael Tomasky’s Herman Cain board game gives you the opportunity to game his odds. Vanity candidates one and all, including Willard who somehow can’t break the thirty percent ceiling.

383 days…..Ice cream and a possibly bouncing cat that might (or might not) be dead.

I’ll start by apologizing to Schrödinger.

So the Prince and Camilla went on a long overdue twenty day road trip through the deep south. The weather and food were both wonderful, and, on the tenth anniversary of a very long war, we saw one solitary desert camouflaged tank sitting on the back of a flatbed trailer making its way somewhere in the Georgia backwoods.

Despite a conscious effort not to seek out the political content during our travels, sometimes it was unavoidable as when a USA Today was left outside our door, leading to an irresistible urge to publicize the Governor’s Reagan Brown moment. My prediction about Sancho Panza entering the race fell flat within days and I opted for sports or the ever-present Law & Order reruns whenever I turned on a television.  While searching for a weather/traffic update in Birmingham I was exposed to the fact that Häagen-Dazs Black Walnut was the flavor of the week.

I must admit that in previous commentary I’d written Cain off as one of the totally irrelevant pretenders, along with Newt and the intestinal byproduct. The man does have a sense of humor, evidenced by his viral send up of Lennon’s classic Imagine. In a way, I see him as an American Silvio Berlusconi without the bunga-bunga, being a Baptist minister after all. Cain’s longevity at the top of the “Not Mitt” heap probably has the shelf life of day old sushi and might inevitably lead one to ask “who’s next”; most certainly not Ronpaulstiltskin or Krazy Eyez Killa (been there, done that).

If anyone was going to have a dead cat bounce, you’d think it was Rick; after all he’s funded well enough to build the tallest tower in this field. Now that he’s channeling Steve Forbes with calls for a flat tax and calling the United States “the Saudi Arabia of coal” (all I can think of is Jonathan Franzen’s Freedom- wouldn’t you like your state to look like West Virginia too?) who knows where this might lead. In the end he can always take comfort in Anita’s endorsement, speaking to a group of Republican women in Las Vegas.. “I’m all in with his candidacy. Our children are all in. Our four dogs are all in,” …. “Because you know sometimes when nobody else loves you your dogs do.”

399 days….everything begins and ends at the exactly right time and place

….”Sarah Palin’s much smarter than Rick Perry”

I have to say I agree with Scarborough on this one, Madame Sarah may have falsely claimed the ability to see Russia from her house but at least she hasn’t advocated sending our troops there. On the other hand, you might be able to see Mexico from the Perry’s hunting camp, that until a couple of years ago was identified by a rock bearing this inscription…

Before beginning his tenure as Texas’ longest serving governor, and in his debut as a freshly minted Republican, Rick defeated the incumbent (Jim Hightower) for Agriculture Commissioner in 1990. Jim Hightower had previously become the state’s  fourth ag commissioner, after defeating Reagan Brown, who is perhaps best remembered for sticking his hand into a mound of fire ants on camera as well this act of political seppuku. While addressing a group of agriculture professors he refered to an iconic historical figure as…..”Booker T. Washington, the great black nigger, uh, the black, uh, educator, excuse me for making that, uh…the great black educator…the negro educator

It just might be the right time for the fat jokes to begin

406 days….come back to the five and dime, Rick Perry, Rick Perry

The Prince is ready to eat his words, preferably slow braised, impeccably seasoned, and drizzled with truffle oil.

I started writing this blog on the premise that, in one context or another, the words “Rick Perry” would be a part of the national conversation through election day 2012. Forty four days later, he’s fast becoming candidate zero as Republicans of all stripes visualize this marquee title: “How I learned to stop worrying and love Mitt Romney”. Of course there’s still talk of another man on horseback (Sancho Panza? Bush 45) appearing to unite that persistently unsettled majority seeking anyone but Mittens, isn’t that……kind of where the Perrylicious buzz was four months ago? On the plus side, one thing the GOP wouldn’t ever have to worry about is Chris Christie making someone’s embarrassing RILF list.

Not that I think my boy’s ready to bow out gracefully just because Brit Hume said he threw up all over himself last Thursday or Alec Baldwin spoofed him on SNL (Alec’s probably hoping Christie gets in). There’s bound to be a few good punches or a Rovesque whispering campaign coming sooner than later.

In case you decide it’s all over, don’t forget, Rick, you still have a job, and who knows that the Bilderberg sages wouldn’t give you a nod again in 2016. Alex Jones would love keepng his job too.

All of this has me reimagining the classic scene from “On the Waterfront” with Rick and The Donald as Brando and Steiger.

Perry: It wasn’t him, Donald, it was you. Remember that night in the Garden you came down to my dressing room and you said, “Kid, this ain’t your night. We’re going for the price on Romney.” You remember that? “This ain’t your night”! My night! I coulda taken Romney apart! So what happens? He gets the title shot outdoors on the ballpark and what do I get? A one-way ticket to Palooka-ville!
Trump: Oh I had some bets down for you. You saw some money.
Perry: You don’t understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am

Road trip memories

We are leaving on a long overdue road trip that I’m not sure my infatuation with all matters perrylicious will survive.

On Columbus day weekend ten years ago, my wife and youngest daughter joined me on a spur of the moment trip to Big Bend National Park, a nine-hour drive from our home into an isolated corner of west Texas. In those pre-iPod times, we contented ourselves with listening to one of Patricia Cornwell’s Scarpetta novels to make a long, familiar journey seem shorter. Two days of hiking and isolation in the Chisos Basin were a wonderful escape from work, elder care, and the dust still settling from the 9/11 attacks.

After a couple restless nights trying to sleep in the tent conversion of the ugliest car of the twentieth century, we decided to spend a civilized night in the relative metropolis of Marathon. The hotel there is directly across the street from a very active set of railroad tracks that seemed much busier than usual on Sunday night, the explanation from my engagement calendar says it all….

Ten years later victory in the “war on terror” seems as elusive as the chance of prevailing in the even longer “war on drugs”.

410 days….how’s that Pina Colada treating you?

There’s not much love for the Governor on “Morning Joe”, evidenced by Scarborough’s quip this morning…”Warren Zevon wrote a song about this guy decades ago”. If you don’t recognize it from this post’s title, you can see the greatly missed Mr Zevon’s performance here.

Searching from there brought me to this wonderful parody posted by SupremeIdiot four weeks ago in response to a Huffington Post story  (Rick Perry: Social Security A ‘Monstrous Lie’)

“Perry of Texas
(Many apologies to Warren Zevon wherever he may be)

I saw Rick Perry with a Constituti­on in his hand
walkin through the streets of Austin in the rain.
He was lookin to shred that founding doc, then get a big dish of beef chow mein.

Chorus:
Aaahoo, Perry of Texas
Aaahoo
Aaahoo, Perry of Texas
Aaahoo

Ya hear him howlin around your kitchen door,
ya better not let him in.
Education got mutiIated late last night, Perry of Texas again.

Chorus:
Aaahoo, Perry of Texas
Aaahoo
Aaahoo, Perry of Texas
Aaahoo

He’s the hairy, teabag Guv, the righties fell in love.
Lately he’s been overheard at Baylor.
You better stay away from him, he’ll rip your rights out Jim.
Huh, I’d like to meet his tailor.

Chorus:
Aaahoo, Perry of Texas
Aaahoo
Aaahoo, Perry of Texas
Aaahoo

Well, I saw Mitt Romney walkin with Michelle, doing the Perry of Texas
I saw Newt Gingrich walkin with Michelle, doin the Perry of Texas
I saw Rick Perry drinkin a pina colada at Trader Vic’s
And his hair was perfect.

ahhhooooo, Perry of Texas
Draw bl00d”   

411 days…the Izzrrrul pitch and bowing before the dead mouse

It seems that a lot of media saw Rick’s appearance yesterday standing before some very grim-looking gentlemen as pandering to a sizable portion of New York’s electorate at a moment when much of the world’s attention is focused on America’s complicated other “special relationship”. To me, pandering best describes the day’s other event at Harlem’s Papasitos Bar, that is most notable for Charlie Rangel’s “coincidental” appearance where the Congressman was quoted as saying  “I think he’s the best thing going for President Obama, but I’m a Democrat.”

I don’t know if Perry thinks his odds are better with the Jewish or Nuyorican community, but his attempt to inject himself onto the world stage is certainly getting mixed reviews at home and abroad. To me, Rachel Weiner hits the nail on the head with her comment in the Washington Post “Perry’s hawkish Israel views will likely win him more support among evangelical Christians, many of whom support Zionism for their own religious reasons“.

If you’re asking “what about the dead mouse” my guess is you’re not a fan of Tom Wolfe’s “Bonfire of the Vanities”. Amid the Israel controversy, and humorous Harlem happenings, not much coverage was given to the Governor’s Monday meeting with another GOP kingmaker.

413 days….his own private Iowa

I picked up that phrase from Jonathan Capehart this afternoon, who must assume his audience would identify the source (a tip of the hat is due to Gus Van Sant’s 1991 film). Capehart was commenting on  the GOP hajjis making the pilgrimage to the black Kaaba of Fifth Avenue. The Donald has apparently become a one man primary unto himself, potentially turning the candidate field into a parody of his reality show, next up Mitt Romney.

Perry apparently rated a bit higher than La Palin (dinner at Jean Georges….there goes your Tea Party redneck cred Rick) even if The Donald forgot his name  or maybe Trump just wanted to avoid a repeat of the pizza/fork debacle. Then again, he might be saving the pizza for Herman Cain.

414 days….you make the call: Ewing or Rink

Rick Perry could well become the fifth president with a Texas connection; granted that some of those connections are a bit tenuous (Eisenhower, Bush 41), it would put the Lone Star state ahead of Massachusetts, though lagging behind Ohio and Virgina in the presidential birth sweepstakes. This is the general theme of Gail Collins’ excellent op-ed in yesterdays  New York Times, the title of which (Rick Perry, Uber Texan) left me wondering if something was missed, you write Uber, I see Über …today Texas, tomorrow America.

Ms Collins’ mentions that the remake of “Dallas” is slated for 2012, segueing into James Richard Perry as the nonfiction doppelgänger of JR Ewing. I should point out that the big screen version of the beloved television classic is described as being “in development” and thus unlikely to be released before 2014, though the message boards make for hilarious reading as fans visualize their dream cast.

Personally, I see Rick Perry having a lot more in common with another larger than life icon of Texas page and screen, hardscrabble west Texas himself, Jett Rink. In the clip from Giant, try to visualize Rock and Liz as George and Laura, and Chill Wills (‘now he’s too rich to kill”) as puppetmaster Karl. If you’ve never seen the entire film; I don’t think you missed great cinema, it’s a tedious big screen soap at heart, best remembered for moments like the one above. Minor spoiler here, I’m sure the Governor is hoping his last act ends better than Jett’s.

More unsought endorsements

After commenting on Kinky Friedman’s and Gene Simmons’ plugs for Rick Perry…..

First up, bad news for Mittens, “I’m not taking a position, but I would be very pleased to see him win the Republican nomination” coming from Jimmy Carter it’s bound to have Willard wondering what it would take to have Mister Global Warming  thank Rick Perry for whatever murky role he played in Gore’s 1988 presidential bid as suggested in this clip from Wednesday’s Colbert Report.

Of lesser impact, having Barry Manilow say  “I think he’s solid….I agree with just about everything he says. What can I tell you?” isn’t going to dampen Ron Paul’s chances in a measurable fashion. Remember that Ron Paul did not end up in the “deleted scenes/bonus materials” of Brüno. Now if someone found that the furniture inside the Texas Governor’s mansion included Mexican chairs…..